It’s a new year and although I spent most of the transition from 2019 to 2020 with family, I spent the rest alone. After facing the reality of losing two beloved ones within the last 6 months of last year, I felt an imbalance within me. I just felt like I needed to get away. Somewhere, just anywhere.
As I drifted, weightless, under the ocean I felt a sense of serenity. I was far away from almost everything that I wanted to leave behind, and yet it felt like I was encapsulated by all of it…
Inhale… exhale… inhale… exhale…
It truly was blissful. To recapture that sense of balance amongst the chaos. Just floating… weightless and without effort. I realise as I enter this decade that I have nothing to lose and yet I have everything to lose.
It’s January 1 2020. I’m sitting here in a hospital room in the province of the Philippines with no power but to watch and wait for an ending… In the very first hours of my waking life in this decade I was hit with reality, the honest truth.
This made me realise that I should also continue to be more honest to myself and continue in a path that I’ve chosen to get ‘better’ than who I was. To make my time worth every second, in suffering, release and every essence of what it means to live pleasurably.
Here is my first honest statement of the decade:
I hate everyone equally and therefore I love everyone equally. I can only truly know and care for a small group relative to, those who I can show true adoration to, so I’m sorry but I’m not sorry. I say that with utmost love and sincerity.
Fuck You 2019 and here I come 2020s, give me your best fucking shot!